


a Bohemian Rhapsody

by siriusblackfanclub



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: 1980s Era Queen (Band), Alternate Universe - 1980s, Bad Parenting, Canon Queer Character of Color, Developing Relationship, Drag Queens, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Found Family, Friendship, Gay Remus Lupin, Homelessness, Homophobic Language, James Potter Ships Remus Lupin/Sirius Black, Light Angst, Light Smut, M/M, POV Multiple, Period-Typical Homophobia, Queer Culture, Queer History, Romance, Sex Work, Some Humor, Songfic, Strong Female Characters, Trans Andromeda Black, Trans Character, Trans Lily Evans Potter, ball culture, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-12 06:08:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29630241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/siriusblackfanclub/pseuds/siriusblackfanclub
Summary: Sirius bit his lip in a way Remus thought should be illegal, “You like it here so far, dear?”“I love it.”“Good,” Sirius took Remus’s hand in his own and brought it up to his lips. “It was a pleasure to meet you. I hope you cheer me on when I walk in a minute, yes?”“Sirius!” Lily scolded, “No flirting with my guests.”Or the one where Remus is lonely, Sirius is dying, and they find home with each other.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Marlene McKinnon/Dorcas Meadowes, Past Sirius Black/Fabian Prewett, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 4
Kudos: 13
Collections: HP Diversity, Trans Stories, stories of our own: works featuring nonbinary and trans characters





	1. Under Pressure

**Author's Note:**

> being set in the 1980s, this fic features a lot of period-typical homophobia, transphobia and outdated language, as well as dealing heavily with the HIV/AIDS epidemic. this is a general warning for the whole work. though each chapter will have specific warnings and resources in the end notes. i hope this fic, if nothing else, educates some people on the reality of queer history.

_Its the terror of knowing what this world is about,_

_Watching some good friends screaming_

_“Let me out!”_

_Pray tomorrow gets me higher,_

_Pressure on people, people on streets._

**1986, NYC**

**Remus**

Home was something Remus Lupin never realised that he could have, that he could deserve, that he could enter and find love for his new family and himself. The crumbling house at the end of the street that he had spent all 18 years of his life in didn’t feel like home; the school in which he could never find a mere moment of peace certainly didn’t feel like home; the gay bar he’d tricked his way into filled to the brim with middle class white guys hiding their repressed selves from their wives and kids didn’t feel like home. He longed for a time and for a place where he could feel welcome and loved and appreciated for every facet of his being, but the more he found himself dreaming of his gay utopia, the further it slipped through his fingers like insignificant grains of sand on a summer day. Home was not possible. That was something Remus was forced to accept.

He sighed to himself as he turned onto his street, the warmth of the June sun setting behind him, and he could feel that something wasn’t quite right. There was nothing outright, but a strange compulsion in his stomach frightened him slightly. He ran through a list of things in his mind; perhaps he’d forgotten something, or he hadn’t turned off the oven, or he’d left his father to clean up his pots and pans from lunch. Nerves shuddered at the very thought of Lyall Lupin. Strong, bearded, all-American Lyall Lupin who had always aspired to that petty bourgeois life of an exploitative working week and weekend alcoholism as he worked in desperation for that nuclear family; one that he’d been promised all his life. Remus often joked to himself that he’d taken one look at his first son and thrown away any thought of 2.5 children in shame. Now that he really thought about it that wasn’t too funny.

His feet carried him mindlessly from the sidewalk to his front door, and his arms reached out to open it and offer a space for him to step through. One deep and not-so-calming breath later, he was met with the stark surprise of both his mother and father – expressions he couldn’t quite recognise on their faces – as they sat seemingly waiting for him on the old, tattered chairs in their living room. He choked down his flooding nerves to greet them.

“Evening,” He managed. “How was your day?”

“Sit down.” Lyall urged simply, his voice filling the eerily empty room with ease.

Remus’s legs carried him once again, his head bowed to avoid looking into the pained face of his mother. He knew tears and pain and hurt would overcome him if he did. Now he had to be strong.

Lyall leaned forward in his chair, visibly uncomfortable, “Do you have something you need to share with us, Remus?”

Face paling, a feat considering his dark complexion, Remus coughed slightly, “Not that I know of.”

“Bullshit!” His father exploded, “Don’t you dare lie to us.”

“Lyall,” Hope Lupin put a hand over her husband’s arm to calm him, but he simply shook it off as veins popped and hands clenched.

Remus swallowed the lump in the back of his throat, but it built right back. Fingers spread on the arm of his chair, he spoke again, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Then what’s this?” Lyall questioned angrily, pulling something from underneath his chair. When Remus’s eyes met it, his heart dropped, and stomach lurched. The thing, a magazine he’d bought from someone at the bar that he’d kept stuffed far under his mattress and hidden from the sun, shook in Lyall’s hand as he waved it in disgust. A half-naked man stood enticingly on the cover, but Remus had never felt less enticed. He opened and closed his mouth in disgust: disgust at himself, at who he was, at what he was, and who he liked.

He felt himself inch closer to the verge of tears, “I don’t know what that is.”

“I said don’t lie to me!” Lyall roared, standing out his chair and closing in on Remus, hand raised high before impacting Remus’s right cheek. He felt the sting right through his bones. “I’ve heard what people say about you, about my son. Your teachers, the boys you knew, they all know what you are, and you couldn’t even think to let us know. Mr Jones said he saw you in the window of that fairy bar downtown.”

“I’d be more worried that your buddy was lurking around near a gay bar,” Remus said quietly, and this time knew to embrace himself for the impact of Lyall’s palm on his face. He was in so much pain, physically and emotionally, and tears finally did start to fall, as Lyall hit him again and again.

“What did I do to deserve a kid like you? I did everything right. I tried to tell your mother not to go too soft on you or you’d turn out gay but look where that got me!” He shouted, right into his son’s face. Remus cried out and shut his eyes tightly as his felt someone pull Lyall away, opening them again to meet his upset mother.

His mother, she’d always been so kind. Hope Lupin was the kind of woman who every child would want to guide them, to hold them as they had nightmares, to cook for them and feed them and put clothes on their backs. It killed him that he couldn’t have told her himself, and it killed him even more to see the agonising contortion of her face. Inside he hated every fibre of his own being for doing this to her, for hurting her the way Lyall coming home in the early hours of morning drunk off his ass hurt her. He blamed himself for his pain and for hers.

Hope pushed Lyall back, before turning again to her son and taking his burning face between her good hands, “If you loved me you would march down to the church and beg God for forgiveness. He created all people in his image, but you know sinners go to hell. Will you do that for me?”

Remus sobbed silently, his overwhelming pain deafening him to the shouts of his father and pleas of his misguided mother. He shook his head.

“Remus, baby, please. Please don’t make me do this.” He realised that she was crying too, her thumbs caressing Remus’s cheeks and she spoke softly. He shook his head again.

She stood, and he immediately missed the warmth of her hands present on his face. “I won’t have this in my house.”

“Mom, please!” He cried, clutching at her wrists. While this house, this cold and dark house, didn’t feel like home, it was the closest thing he had; and he’d have to be stupid to go willingly.

“She gave you a choice, you didn’t take it.” Lyall came forward, pressing his hand onto his wife’s shoulders as a small psychotic smile ghosted on his lips. “Get out of our house.”

Remus distantly heard himself begging for nothing in particular: for a place to stay, for acceptance, for love and gentleness, for forgiveness for everything he’d done. He shouldn’t have had to feel like it was his fault, but he did. Everything ingrained in him boiled to the surface as he cried and cried and cried for an escape. Lyall grabbed his shoulders and forced him out of the door, Remus with nothing on him accept a Goodwill coat and regret.

“I’m not sorry!” Remus screamed to the slammed door, motionless as he stood on the freshly trimmed lawn of his house. Not his house anymore, he realised, before another round of tears begun.

He felt the stares of the entire street as he wrestled with himself for some semblance of hope. For a moment he considered walking away with pride, raising his chin up high and marching through judgemental looks in a world designed to not love him for something that he couldn’t even control, but he couldn’t quite grasp enough dignity for that. Instead, he wandered, no place to go or arms to fall into, out into the open.

**2 weeks later**

The park bench was uncomfortable. Remus felt like it would give out under his weight, which after meals few and far between and chasing away other hopeless survivors was light as a feather. He was weak. He was hungry. He was alone. Strangers sped up as they passed him, frightened by his very presence, as to not meet his eyes or even spare him a second glance. On his first night he’d acquired a thin blanket, barely long enough to cover his tall figure, but enough to somewhat warm him against the shivering coldness of night.

“Hey!” He protested as another lonely wanderer took the blanket with a balled fist and bolted, “Hey, stop!”

He didn’t stop, only looking back to send an almost empathetic smile back Remus’s way, and then disappearing into the sunset. Remus kicked the legs on his chosen bench in frustration, enough to cause pain in his foot but not enough to hobble himself. A part of him supposed this was what he deserved; another resented the miserable world for what was inflicted on him. All of him needed something to eat.

He approached the bodega just to the side of the park, searching his pockets for some spare change that had been thrown at him by a generous yet silent stranger who hid their face as they rushed off. There were a few coins he’d taken as they’d fallen out of some wealthy businessman’s pocket, still not enough to get anything substantial but Remus decided to try his luck as he placed a sandwich onto the cashier’s counter.

“That’ll be $2.50.” The woman behind the counter drew out, bored and almost as tired as Remus himself. She had porcelain skin and light brown hair tucked into a messy bun at the bottom of a cap he presumed from the label was a part of the uniform. She wore a plain black t-shirt and denim jacket, jeans that didn’t quite fit and flat boots that were brown as soil. She could blend in with almost any crowd, any group or any person, yet no group seemed right for her.

He counted what he had, his various coins only coming to $1.25, placed them on the counter, and hoped for the best.

“The sandwich is $2.50, sir. That’s not enough.” She said simply, visibly uncomfortable having to converse for even that long.

“That’s all I have,” Remus responded, fidgeting hands buried deep into his trouser pockets. “I’m sorry. I could come and pay you back once I have a little more maybe?”

She looked him in the eyes for the first time, striking blue, “I can’t give you something you can’t pay for. _I’m_ not paid enough for that.”

“Please,” his voice faltered as he spoke. “I haven’t eaten for three days, please.”

Her eyes glazed at that admission, and her previously set jaw untightened. She hesitated for a moment, just a moment, before handing the sandwich back over to Remus. “Here, and don’t feel like you have to pay me back. Don’t tell anyone either, my manager will kill me.”

“Thank you,” He whispered genuinely, clutching the sandwich in shaking hands and moving to leave. Turning his head to take one last look at her, he pushed the door open with one hand and rushed out of the store. He avoided the alleys he knew by now that various criminals hid within and sat back down onto his park bench to eat.

He savoured every bite, every taste, and every sensation of the cheapest food a New Yorker could buy, and there was nothing he could seem to complain about. Granted he hadn’t really paid attention when he selected it, he was pleasantly surprised as he tasted his favourite flavour: chicken mayo. It was simple and it was perfect for another few nights with nothing more than scraps he found in trash cans near him.

Almost every day went by similarly: waking up another possession missing, searching and begging for spare change, a small chat with a friendly stranger, searching and begging this time for something - anything – to eat, and trying to get comfortable enough for at least an hour of sleep.

Shout out in frustration, collect scraps of bohemian New York, search and beg for food, try to sleep.

Shout, beg, eat, sleep.

Shout, beg, sleep on most days.

Beg and plea for forgiveness from people who didn’t even know him, who could never understand who he was or what he was going through. He felt so universally pathetic, so unbelievably ashamed that some days even that routine was simply too much. Remus found himself wishing for what he once had, but the pain that came with imagining the look on his mother’s face as she scolded him ushered those thoughts quickly away. He was lonely, sure, but he was lonely and free.

“Hey, you look hungry, here,” The voice of another kind woman holding out a bar of chocolate to him brought him out of his thoughts.

“You don’t have to do that,” Remus said quietly and carefully.

The woman smiled, “Just take it.”

She sat herself onto the bench next to Remus, watching him rip open the bar embarrassingly and begin to eat as if this was the last time he would have the chance for the days to come. Of course, that most likely was the case, but she didn’t have to know that. She had dark brown skin, like Remus himself, with edges laid neatly and hair down past her shoulders. Kind and unassuming, her eyes told him that she had good intentions, though his better judgement told him not to jump to conclusions.

“I’m Lily,” She placed her hands flat on her legs. “I’ve seen you around here a few times.”

“Remus,” He said simply, mouth full of food.

Lily smiled slightly at him, “Where abouts do you live, Remus?”

He laughed bitterly, calming slightly at the concerned look adorned on her face. He avoided her gaze, not able to bare the weight of her hazel eyes. “I live right here. Home sweet home.”

“What happened? Why are you here?” Lily implored gently.

“I don’t even know you,” He regretted it as soon as he said it. “Thank you for looking out for me and everything, but I’ve never even talked to you before. What exactly do you want me to tell you?”

“You don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to. Like you said, I’m just looking out for you. I have a feeling you need it right now, I just want to be here.”

Listening to her words, words so kind and so foreign to the sadness he’d been surrounded with for his entire conscious life, he felt the dam break. “I was kicked out of my house. My parents… they don’t want me. Not anymore.”

He hadn’t even registered the tremble in his lips as Lily leaned forward and whispered slightly. “I had a feeling.”

“You had a feeling I was kicked out of my house?

“I had a feeling you were just a scared kid, forced out into a world that loved you even less than your parents did.” She told him, clearing her throat before continuing, “I was kicked out of my house too. About 7 years ago now.”

Remus had no idea what to say. Did he comfort her? It was a long time ago, and she no longer seemed too affected. Did he open up? She was still a stranger. He settled for an apology.

She laughed fully, “Don’t be sorry, Remus. I have no care for them anymore. I’m dead to them, and they’re dead to me. It’s scary at first, to be so proud to go out into the world and not care if they follow, but once you do you’ll be so much happier for it. That’s my first piece of advice.”

“Why were you kicked out?” Remus managed, trying his very best not to well up.

“I was 16 when I told my parents I wasn’t their son; I was their daughter. They took that as a personal attack.” The only emotion that showed on her face as she spoke was resent. Not regret or anger, but a mellow and vague feeling of amusement.

Remus’s eyes widened and his arms came to sit underneath his heart, “My dad found out that I was gay, no matter how much I tried to hide it, he found out and kicked me out.”

“I had a feeling about that too,” Lily mused, fidgeting with her bracelets and rings. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry,” he parroted what she’d said earlier. “I probably deserved it. I could have just hid who I was, gone out with some girl, prayed to God for forgiveness and all that shit.”

Lily shook her head slowly, before taking Remus’s hands in her own as she stood up, “No, no. If that’s what you think of yourself then I’m glad I found you when I did, you’re coming with me.”

“I still don’t know you,” he reminded her, standing up to follow nonetheless. Her eyes twinkled in the moonlight with excitement and enthusiasm, which somehow worried Remus even more.

“You will. Have you ever been to a ball, Remus?”

…

Music blared and lights flashed as Lily lead him by his hand down several flights of stairs to an old, underground, out-of-sight floor space. But in this light, neon and aureate, the space was brought to life by the vibrancy of the people as they cheered and laughed and shouted in glee. Remus turned to look around, eyes wide like goldfish, spotting all kinds of people with incredible and abstract fashions and faces, dancing like he’d never seen and like nobody was watching, except everyone was watching. He almost felt out of place amongst the liveliness and joyousness but in a way he was more at home than he ever had been.

“Balls are where people like us gather and express themselves,” Lily explained, distant to Remus’s ears as he explored further. “Performers walk in categories, showing off their fashion, or their face, their ability to blend in with the world up there or to embrace the culture down here. The judges score them and the highest wins the grand prize for that category, and they come back the next week to defend their title.”

Remus nodded vaguely, entranced by the unfamiliar words of the emcee as he shouted: “And here we have Dorcas from the House of Gryffindor! She is serving face, she is serving body, she is giving us life! Give us a twirl, queen”

“What?...” Remus began.

“Houses are the family we get to choose, founded by what we call house mothers. The House of Gryffindor is legendary.”

Remus watched the floor, looking back over at Lily periodically, “Who’s the house mother for Gryffindor?”

“You’re looking at her!” Lily said simply, giving a little twirl.

His eyes wide and taken aback, he had to shout over the crescendo in the music, “Really?”

“Absolutely.”

Knowing that, Remus found himself watching the ball more closely, worried he’d disappoint this apparent legend of a culture he was foreign to. Dorcas, the woman on the floor, wore a shining gold mini-dress and enough pearls to fill a small ocean as she strutted and posed and walked up and down the makeshift runway through the centre. Her hair fell down to almost her elbows and flipped to and frow as she walked with a sultry step. She flashed a dazzling smile at the judges as every one of them held up a ten for her, inviting more cheers from a rambunctious crowd of onlookers.

Near her he spotted someone he thought he recognised, and couldn’t quite put a finger on, before he realised: “Hey, I know her! She works in that Bodega in the park, she gave me something to eat tonight.”

Lily followed to where he pointed and raised her eyebrows, “That’s Andromeda from the House of Slytherin. They’re our rivals, our sworn enemies, not to mention cheap and untalented.”

Remus shrugged in his coat. “She seemed nice.”

Andromeda was surrounded by a small crowd of other people, all talking to her at one hundred miles per hour with anger on their faces and pointed tones. Remus watched as she took it all in, straightened her shoulders and walked over to the door while fishing a cigarette out of her pocket. She passed him on the way to the door as he gave a small, shy smile, which went seemingly unnoticed and unreturned.

The emcee cleared his throat and carried on through more categories, but for Remus the dresses and dance moves and new atmosphere all blended together into one unforgettable experience. He sometimes copied Lily in cheering, other times simply sat back and watched as this world passed him by. A few times people came up to them - came up to Lily rather – to chat quickly and wildly; some even introduced themselves to Remus while they were there and cooed out that he was something they called a ‘virgin queen’. He would ask Lily later.

He was brought out of his thoughts and overwhelmed headspace by the clicking of heeled boots that stretched up to mid-thigh pacing towards them, belonging to long legs and a tall, slender body. This stranger had a corset tightened around their middle, the shortest skirt he’d ever seen and heavy makeup caked onto their face. Remus felt his cheeks flush slightly as he watched them run a hand through long, dark hair and fix their gaze upon Lily.

A deep, rich, appealing voice came from the stranger as they spoke, “Glad you could make it, Lily. Who’s your friend?”

“This is Remus, he’s new here.” She laughed, patting him on the shoulder. “Remus, this is Sirius, one of the first children I ever adopted into the house of Gryffindor. He’s a drag queen, that’s-”

“I’ve heard of that. It’s like a man who dresses as a woman.” He interjected a little too excitedly. He felt his flush extend right underneath his collar in embarrassment.

A soft laugh fell from Sirius’s lips, and Remus felt all the more drawn in by it, “It’s so much more than that, dear. A drag queen is fierce, talented, co-ordinated, gorgeous and sexy. You have much to learn.”

“I guess I do,” Remus laughed nervously, moving slightly closer to Lily for some comfort.

Sirius bit his lip in a way Remus thought should be illegal, “You like it here so far, dear?”

“I love it.”

“Good,” Sirius took Remus’s hand in his own and brought it up to his lips. “It was a pleasure to meet you. I hope you cheer me on when I walk in a minute, yes?

“Sirius!” Lily scolded, “No flirting with my guests.”

“Of course mother,” Sirius responded playfully, turning his head and walking slowly away. Remus watched as he went, unable to take his eyes off of him as if in some sort of trance. More shouts, music and people graced him, but Sirius was something more special than the rest. He could feel something dangerous already. Lily took his hand and led him throughout the room, clearly elated to be guiding another person on their journey. The emcee introduced himself as James Potter, also a member of the House of Gryffindor and close friend of Lily and Sirius, and Dorcas too. He smiled gently.

“I’ve known Sirius all my life, we grew up together,” James said through a smile. “He sure is hard work, without Lily here I don’t know if I’d have coped.”

Lily rolled her eyes, “I think you coped just fine. My only job was to make sure to the two of you didn’t get yourselves killed.”

“You always have been the boring one, Lily-flower.”

Lily walked away with a small smile dancing on her lip. The two of them wandered around for a bit, fortunately not as hopeless as Remus had been just a few hours earlier, before their attention was drawn by James shouting over the mic to a room full of harmonious screams.

“Category is… Queens in Drag!” James announced, drawing out every syllable. “Who will be walking the floor tonight?”

A woman stepped forward with an air of confidence and posed – a man in drag, Remus thought more sensibly – dressed in a floor length pink gown and a feather boa. Walking down the runway as if they were a supermodel rather than someone shunned from society and in poverty, the crowd awed and ohed at them.

James laughed, “Lucas of the House of Ravenclaw, stunning as always darling, giving you bubble gum pink 5-year-old-girl-who-just broke-into-mommy’s-closet realness!”

Lucas seemed offended by that, though Remus couldn’t quite tell why. Around 5 other people stepped forward, some complimented and cheered for, others booed off yet smiling still. James announced yet another queen, who stepped forward in low heels and a fabric dress to smile at the judges.

“Gideon, what is this? The category is Queens in Drag, not Queens in Drab, get off my floor.” James said, blowing a kiss before continuing his commentary. The way he sang and rapped over the beat of the music was almost as impressive as his stage presence, thought Remus had to admit he scared him a little bit.

“The judges scores, 6, 7, 6, 6,” He recounted back to him. “I’m afraid you’re getting the chop.”

The din of the crowd was overwhelming yet inviting, and Remus considered it quite surprising that Gideon still had a mischievous smile on his face as he sipped a cocktail and watched the rest of the performance. Quieting, the room turned entranced as James ushered for their complete and undivided looks.

“And now, the moment I’m sure we’ve all been waiting for,” he teased, gesturing the other queens to line up at the side. “Sirius Black, from the legendary and highly decorated House of Gryffindor!”

Remus couldn’t help but stare as the man he’d met only moments before stepped onto the floor, immediately stealing the spotlight and revelling in the numerous eyes fixed on him. He could have sworn he saw Sirius wink at him before raising his arms above his head and moving slowly and provocatively. His skirt rode to showcase his long, tanned legs, and walked so expertly in the heeled boots as if he’d been doing it all his life.

“And once again, this queen shows us the real meaning of the word talented. The competition doesn’t stand a chance!” The emcee explained excitedly. “Whilst I may be slightly biased, I am certainly not blind. Judges, your scores?”

James shrieked as each one held up their sheets, “10s, 10s, 10s across the board. First runner up: House of Ravenclaw. Grand prize: the one and only, House of Gryffindor!”

Next to him, Lily exploded with joy before bounding forward to wrap Sirius in a tight hug as he lifted his trophy into the air. Remus couldn’t help but join them, blushing but still cheering as he was tucked close into Sirius’s side, right in the centre of the happiest family he’d ever seen. They weren’t even real family, not by blood anyway, but in a way that made their bond infinitely closer. He hoped he could find that for himself one day.

“Another grand prize for you mother,” Sirius grinned ear to ear, placing the trophy in Lily’s reluctant hands.

She shook her head, “This is yours. You earned it, and you made me proud.”

The two of them laughed and he planted a brief and friendly kiss to Lily’s cheek, and then surprisingly to Remus’s. “What did you think of me, virgin queen?”

Lily tried to step in, but Remus shouted over the music before she could, “You’re really talented!”

“Glad you think so,” He mused, pulling away slightly. “I’m gonna go out for a cigarette, I’ll meet you back at the apartment later, Lils.”

“Please get back before sunrise, I’m not running around chasing you all night.”

“Of course,” He assured her, disappearing into the night. He was mysterious, that was no doubt, but warm and intriguing all the same.

As the night came to a close, and people began to file out, he followed Lily as she exited through the back and turned onto a street he didn’t quite recognise. She turned to him matter-of-factly.

“You’re sleeping in my apartment tonight.”

Remus choked on his own spit, “What? No, I can’t ask you to do that.”

“You’d rather sleep on that park bench? Cold and lonely and hungry for another night?”

She made an excellent point. Remus sighed and situated himself on a step up to an apartment building, face in his hands. “You’ve already been so kind, I don’t want you to go out of your way for someone that you barely even know.”

Lily softened, sitting down next to Remus, “I know you. I’ve known dozens of people like you, including myself. You’re scared right now, nowhere to go to or people to talk to, generosity isn’t something you’re really used to. But now that I’m in your life, you better get used to it.”

Like earlier, on that park bench he called home, he felt himself welling up, “Are you sure there’s room? I wouldn’t want be invading your space.”

“Absolutely,” She assured. “It’s a three-bedroom apartment. I take one, James and Sirius have another, and only a few weeks ago Dorcas moved out of the third to go live with her girlfriend. There’s a spare room ready to go.”

Remus hesitated for a second, considering her offer. But what was there to consider? The kindest stranger, who knew exactly what he was going through, had just introduced him to this whole new exciting world and offered him a place to stay. Who would he be to refuse her, after everything she’d done? Home was something he didn’t know, he’d never known, but what if that didn’t have to be the case? This could be Remus Lupin’s home. Surrounded by the lives of people he only wished he had the confidence to be, sheltered from the harsh world by new friends and a roof over his head, that sure sounded like home.

“Yes.” Remus said simply. “I’ll stay for tonight.”

“You won’t regret it.”


	2. Somebody to Love

_At the end of the day I take home_

_My hard- earned pay all on my own_

_I get down on my knees and I start to pray_

_‘Til the tears run down from my eyes_

_Lord, somebody, somebody_

_Can anybody find me somebody to love?_

**Lily**

Lily groaned at the intrusion of morning light and summer warmth streaming through her window as she untangled herself from the soft, silk sheets of her bed. She buried her head into her pillow. It was early, she knew because she couldn’t yet hear the ever too loud antics of James and Sirius from the room opposite her, though based on the bustle of cars outside it wouldn’t last much longer. Summer was her favourite season; summer was warm and inviting and relaxing. In summer the birds chirped, and the people stopped to a halt as they noticed the world around them for the first time, like the Earth could stop spinning on its axis for just a moment.

The clash of a pan hitting the wooden apartment floor told her that it hadn’t stopped spinning yet.

“Shit, Lily, I’m so sorry!” She heard James call out to her as she trudged into the kitchen, met with the sight of a room littered with spilled food and pans and baking trays as he and Sirius flailed about trying to clean it up.

“I knew I should have banned from the kitchen years ago,” Lily sighed, bounding forward to make some sense of it. “What exactly were you trying to do here?”

Sirius looked up, “Make breakfast for Remus, of course.”

“It was Sirius’s idea!” James called out.

Lily studied the two of them, caught red-handed like toddlers in the cookie jar, and not much more mature either. Sirius was bare-faced, a stark contrast to last night, with hair she’d always been jealous of tucked into a bun at the top of his head, and a graphic t-shirt over his boxers. He flashed a smile, one of those charming ones he’d used to get out of trouble for the entirety of time she’d known him. James wore pyjama bottoms and a t-shirt of his own, smile replaced with a look of comic horror as he studied Lily in return.

She took a pan in her hands, depositing it in the sink, “Make breakfast or ruin my kitchen?”

“Why not both?” Sirius mused, leaning over to help Lily with the sink. She swatted his hand, fearing that he’d make even more of a mess, in favour of cleaning up by herself. The boys smiled at her as she did, Sirius kissing her on the cheek before putting his legs up on the small, kitchen table as he sat, cup of coffee in hand. She loved her life, her home, her friends, and her deep care for Sirius and James hadn’t yet overcome that. She’s been the one there when they needed someone most, she wasn’t about to stop now.

“Speaking of Remus, tell us more about him. You don’t usually bring people here without getting to know them first,” James prompted, sat down opposite Sirius.

“I found him starving on a park bench, the rest is history,” she said. “He’s 18, and he’s got serious self-esteem issues. Kicked out of his house for being gay, needed something to make him feel a part of our community for the first time in his life. That’s about all I know.”

“He’s just a baby!” James frowned. “How could they do that?”

Sirius sounded sad as he spoke, a rare thing for him, “Poor thing. Parents like that.”

“To be completely honest I saw something of myself in him, then I couldn’t just leave him there. He needs a home, and good friends, and a little bit of love,” Lily admitted, turning around to face them fully.

“We’ll be on our best behaviour,” Sirius promised.

Lily heard the footsteps of socked feet bounding towards the kitchen and hid her smile in her woollen jumper. Remus, curly haired and dark-skinned, stepped into the room cautious and shy, as if waiting for someone to shun him away. When that moment didn’t come, she watched as Sirius beckoned him to sit on the chair next to him, pouring coffee into a spare mug and pushing it towards Remus.

“Morning sunshine,” Sirius greeted with a smile.

Remus smiled back, “Morning.”

Lily asked how Remus slept, to which he responded with the utmost compliments. She could tell he was slightly uncomfortable with the attention, and she vowed to make it a regularity in his life. Grateful for Sirius’ kindness, she spoke again.

“These two idiots tried to make breakfast, which they are never allowed to do again by the way,” She sent a glare their way. “I’m thinking we could go out and find a place downtown to eat.”

“Seriously, this is too much. You gave me a place to sleep for the night, that’s enough,” Remus said quickly, his eyes falling down into his lap. His voice shook and his breathing quickened.

Before Lily could intervene, Sirius leaned closer to him, “Honey, you look like a stick. You are not missing a single meal for as long as I have a say in it.”

The blush on Remus’ cheeks didn’t go unnoticed.

“It’s just.. I don’t even have any other clothes,” Remus murmured quietly, prompting James to ask him to repeat.

“You can have some of mine!” Sirius offered quickly. “I’m sure they’d fit. And before you say it: yes I am sure and happy to give you some. God knows your fashion sense needs it.”

Remus spluttered, “Hey, I have fashion sense!”

“And I am a heterosexual man.” Sirius deadpanned.

Lily and James both burst out into laughter, followed by Sirius and then by Remus, who looked at lot more comfortable than previously. Pure joy spread on his face, and for the first time in the short night she’d known him, Lily felt his genuine self shining through. She finished collecting the burnt pots and pans and plates in favour of grabbing her coat from the side of the room and grinning back at the kitchen full of boys.

“Hurry up and get dressed, breakfast is on me.”

..

“Ok, I have to admit, that was the good shit,” Remus laughed as they came out of the restaurant on the corner. Sirius had laced their arms together as they walked, whispering and laughing right into his ear and keeping the two of them warm in the morning breeze. Lily felt James inch closer to her with every step and though she didn’t make an effort to stop it, internally she questioned both herself and the man at her side.

She knew James had a thing for her, he wasn’t exactly quiet about it, but she was yet to do anything about it. She told him she was sorting her own life out first, working on her own self and spiritually and she realised he knew that was pretty much bullshit.

James leaned over to her, “It was pretty good, you have excellent taste if I do say so myself.”

“Flattery will get you nowhere,” She said through a thin smile. James still laughed, clearing his throat before continuing. “Maybe one day, whenever you’re free, we could go there. Just the two of us. Me and you. You and me.”

She stopped in her tracks, blocking out a quiet laugh that Remus let out at something Sirius said, “You mean like a date? Are you asking me out?”

“Well not exactly like a date, if that’s not what you want,” his messy hair fell into his green eyes. Not that she was looking at his eyes. “Just two friends of the opposite sex having a meal, talking, laughing, getting to know each other better.”

“I already know everything there is to know about James Gryffindor,” she reminded him politely.

Sirius butted in, but Lily was frankly grateful for the distraction, “And just because you’re of the opposite sex doesn’t mean shit, my love. Homosexuals exist.”

“May I remind you that I am bisexual and know plenty about that particular subject.” James said tiredly.

“Oh, you horny thing!” Sirius exclaimed far too loud for public ears, shushed by James planting a kiss to his cheek.

“Get your mind out of the gutter.”

Lily continued to walk swiftly, breaking out in front of them to avoid further embarrassment. Her brown cheeks heated as she considered what James had offered, what he’d said countless times but never had the nerve to say to her face. She promised herself long ago that she wouldn’t, she _couldn’t_ let herself fall for him; if she were completely and utterly honest with herself, she was scared.

“We’re going to Goodwill to pick out some things for Remus,” Sirius announced courteously.

“Excuse me?” Remus said, eyes wide as he pulled his arm away from Sirius’. His laugh was interrupted with the weight of the question, his hands fiddling with the straps of the coat Sirius had seemed to lend him.

The man next to him smiled suspiciously, “You can have all the food and wear as many of my clothes as you so desire, you could even use my underwear for all I care, but I draw the line at my toothbrush.”

Remus hesitated, “You make a good point.”

“Of course I do, now come on,” Sirius said challengingly, dragging Remus, James and Lily along with him as they turned down another street until they approached the doors to the Goodwill donation centre. The store was small, with bricks that desperately needed another coat of paint, and windows full of dirt, but the good they did for the community was much larger. Lily recalled many a night freezing and penniless as she came down to collect some clothes for her back and a throw for the cold.

Sirius jumped slightly and excitedly as he pointed at a discarded dress on the far side, “Hang on for a second, I have to try this on. I could totally sell this, don’t you think?”

“Don’t ask me, I’m the one with no fashion sense,” Remus deflected.

Sirius brushed past him, “Using my own words against me, the shade is real.”

“Shade?”

“Oh, I apologise,” Sirius smiled. “I almost forgot you were a virgin queen.”

Lily couldn’t bear the sweetness behind their back and forth, so turned to mindlessly rummage through a bin of her own. Unfortunately for her, her plan was flawed when the floorspace was a mere few metres, and James found her. He rested a hand on her shoulder, and she softened slightly at his expression: “Listen, Lily…”

“Yes?”

His other hand grazed the back of his neck, dipping down to meet her height, “You never actually gave an answer.”

“An answer to what?” She questioned, despite knowing exactly what he was talking about. Sometimes it was better to appear clueless.

“You know, the meal? Two adult friends of the opposite sex-”

“You mean the date?”

James’s tan face, something Lily was grateful that he had inherited from his Puerto Rican mother, went red, “If that’s what you want to call it, then sure.”

Lily avoided his gaze and lowered her head to hide her own expression, “I’ll think about it.”

“I’m going on a date with Lily Evans!” James said excitedly, much to Lily’s dismay.

She whispered frantically, “I said I’d think about it, and right now I’m thinking not.”

“Ok, ok,” James sighed playfully. “I’ll be good.”

On the verge of running away as fast and as far as she could in embarrassment and shame, Lily took a deep breath and returned James’ smile. He looked impressed with himself, and far too smug for Lily’s liking, but she supposed it wouldn’t quite be him with a dash of arrogance. Suddenly, Sirius burst out of a nearby dressing room with a shout, “How do I look?”

Lily had to admit, Sirius could pull of just about anything. He had that tall and slender figure, eyes that could match just about any colour on the vast rainbow, and skin as smooth as a small child. This dress was blood red, floor length with a slit that extended right to his thigh, and a neckline that was to die for.

She called over to him, “You look great, love. As always.”

He batted his eyelashes prettily, “You think?”

“Yes, I do,” She laughed. “But don’t get too arrogant, we’ll need to be the best of the best for the ball next Friday. I heard that Slytherin are planning something show-stopping, we need that attention on us.”

“Don’t you worry, the House of Slytherin doesn’t stand a chance against this. I’ll have to take it off so I can pay for it,” Sirius said, turning back into his dressing room without noticing the woman behind him. She was freckled and tanned in the summer heat but wore furrowed brows and a stern expression.

The woman cleared her throat, “Excuse me? What do you think you’re doing?”

Sirius turned back to look her up and down, and Lily internally cringed, “We were just getting ready to leave actually. Give me a second.”

“There are children present.” The stranger insisted, “Though I suppose that’s rather the point.”

Silence. James’ mouth opened in shock and Lily felt her jaw go slack. She felt even worse for Remus, who after so much pain, was only thrust right back into the cruelty of the world as he watched waiting to see what Sirius would do. They all watched and waited with him.

“What exactly are you insinuating, ma’am?” Sirius asked, grey eyes darkening and a storm raging within them.

She straightened her shoulders slightly, “I’ve heard all about you transvestites and the things you do. Did something happen as a kid to make you this way? Did someone hurt you?”

Sirius faltered in his stance but stood right back up to assert his confident aura, “You are in no position to be making judgements about anyone with that bottled tan and botched boob job.” The woman looked scandalised as he continued. “I mean seriously, coming up to me with a voice like nails on a chalkboard and a nose crooked enough to be one of those conservative politicians, worried about the children? Children that run away in terror after one look at you Wicked Witch of the West. I don’t think.”

The woman was stood shocked for a few moments, searching but not quite finding words that would cut as deep as Sirius’. Lily smiled, proud and unabashed.

“You’re a freak!” She settled on finally, with a shrill voice. “You’re a freak and I don’t want you anywhere near me or my children again!”

“Stop harassing me and my friends then. You’re the one who came over here,” He reminded her slyly, crossing his arms over his chest. “I’d be happy to never see you again in my life.”

Lily hadn’t even noticed a man come over to investigate before he spoke with a deep and oily voice, a Goodwill uniform plastered on his torso and legs, “What’s going on here?”

“This woman is bothering me and my friends,” Sirius answered honestly. “Calling me a freak and talking out of her ass.”

The man studied Sirius, and then the woman, over again with his eyes flicking between them. Lily held her breath, preparing but not entirely sure what for, physically unable to exhale until resolution. She watched the blind confidence of Sirius’ face, and then the worry of Remus’ and the smugness of the vile woman in the centre of it all.

“Get out of this store,” He turned to Sirius simply.

Lily exhaled, but not out of relief. Sirius protested, “We’ve done nothing wrong!”

“You’re making a scene,” The man said. “I’m asking you to leave before I have to call my manager.”

“It’s not his fault this lady is bothered by us,” Lily jumped in, motherly protective instinct taking over her rational thought. It felt as if all eyes were on her, for better for worse, as she continued, “We’ll leave, but at least let my friend get dressed first.”

The couple turned away without a further word, grimace overcoming their faces. Lily wore a similar grimace, thought for a completely different reason as she stood frozen in her place. James placed a hand on her forearm to calm her; she lifted her head to look back at him. He mouthed, ‘are you okay?’ to which she nodded silently, void of real weight. Remus stood frozen too. After a few painful moments, the curtain of the dressing room opened to reveal Sirius back in his double denim ensemble, vibrant shirt underneath.

He smiled a man-made smile, “Why don’t we go back to the apartment and get started on our looks for next Friday. I’m sure I can sew something much better than whatever they have in this place.”

“Are you sure?” James asked

Sirius nodded absently, “Of course, love. It wasn’t my colour anyway.”

Lily knew he was lying but chose not to pry further. They walked briskly, never stopping to look back, as they made their way through the streets of New York and back to Lily’s apartment. This time Sirius wasn’t as playfully charming, in fact he was worryingly quiet and kept to himself, really all of them did. The streets were a little busier with the afternoon bustle of the high street, the sun much more prominent and warmer. The door to her building seemed strangely menacing as they approached it, stood tall and wide waiting for them to step through.

Her keys jangled in the door as she struggled to get it open. Once she did, the stuffiness the living room because of the broken AC that she’d been trying to get fixed for months was suffocating yet familiar. It was home, no matter how imperfect or broken, it was their home. She threw herself down onto the sofa as James, Sirius and Remus filed in, the latter walking awkwardly to come sit next to her as the other two cuddled close on the opposite seat.

As the sun came down and gave way to the evening air, and their Chinese takeout arrived just on time, laughter was all that echoed through the house. It was light and cheerful, jovial and rich, as they joked and flirted and smiled all night long. Next to his rice Sirius held a few pieces of a cheap, blue fabric as he sewed them together and tried them against his skin.

“James, come on,” He whined playfully. “Help me try this on.”

James nodded with a salute. As they left, Remus turned to her with a mouth fill of noodles, “So, how long have Sirius and James been together?”

Lily froze before laughing again, “Honey, they’re not together.”

“What?” Remus asked. “I just- I thought…”

“You thought wrong,” She said behind giggles.

“But they kiss and cuddle all the time! Oh my god, I’m so stupid.”

Lily placed a hand on his arm, “You’re not stupid. Sirius and James… they’ve known each other so long, been through so much, they’re closer than just regular friends. I’d say they’re like brothers but even that can’t describe it. After Sirius ran away from home James took him in, they were there for each other when no one else was. So they kiss sometimes, and cuddle, just to remind each other that the others still there. But they’re certainly not romantically involved.”

Remus nodded his understanding. Lily watched as he swallowed nervously, shutting his eyes tightly, before asking, “So Sirius is… single?”

“You like Sirius?” Lily said far too loud.

Remus put a finger to her mouth, “Shh, don’t talk so loud, I’m just… curious. I barely know him.”

“Of course you are,” Lily laughed. “Yes, Sirius is single. But that’s really something that if you want to know you ask him yourself, ok?”

“Ok, ok,” Remus flushed.

Lily was about to say more, to tell him of the not-so-secret problems, until Sirius and James burst back into the room with grins to their ears. Sirius wore a knee-length blue dress that, thought beautiful, didn’t quite fit him as well as the one in the store. He pulled it off nonetheless, posing and twirling as Remus clapped enthusiastically.

“I think this might work for the runway category next week with a few tweaks,” He said. “Maybe some rhinestones on the shoulders.”

Lily smiled, “Absolutely. No one else stands a chance.”

“What do you think Remus?” Sirius asked politely.

Lily turned to watch as Remus sat, blushing and dumbfounded, searching for the words to say. “You look good. Great. You look great.”

Sirius didn’t seem to notice his sweating palms, “I know darling.”

He twirled once more, before sitting and taking a bite right from Remus’ box of food. James made himself opposite Lily, smiling awkwardly at her. She found her thoughts drifting to him more often than not, his stupid hair and stupid face, and internally cursed herself for being so pathetic. She watched him comfortable and cheerful, and felt an overwhelming rush of an emotion she didn’t quite recognise. She hated it.

“Do you make always make your own clothes for the balls?” Remus asked, bringing Lily out of her thoughts.

Sirius turned to him, “Most of the time, yes. Good quality stuff is expensive and hard to come by, and when they do it’s hard to try them on without strangers being bothersome. I’m a broke bitch, what can I say!”

“Aren’t we all?” Lily added and smiled. “I’d be hopeless at the balls without my day job.”

“What do you do?”

Lily already loved Remus’ innocent curiosity, “I work at a nail salon, nothing too bougie. It’s pretty hard to find something better when you’re like us.”

Remus frowned slightly, “What do you mean?”

“The world is not too fortunate of transsexuals,” Lily said bluntly. “I frighten them. I make them uncomfortable.”

Remus apologised sympathetically, to which she batted him off. “There’s nothing we can really do about it for now, but change is coming. I can feel it.”

“Amen!” Sirius called out, snapping his fingers. James hollered too.

“They can’t keep ignoring us forever, keeping us on the side lines and in the shadows,” Lily explained. “We’ll come to the top soon enough. I wanna be mainstream, baby!”

Remus leaned forward on his elbows, “You’re optimistic.”

“I’m hopeful for a better future for our community.”

They all smiled, reminiscing for days yet to come. Yes, they were optimistic, but after everything that they’d been through they deserved to have hope. Lily had no choice when she ran a house of lonely children.

Sirius tilted his head towards Remus as he questioned, “Are you going to walk the balls, Remus?”

He was met with a violent shake of the curly black hair on Remus’ head, “No, no, absolutely not.”

“Come on, you won’t even try?” Sirius said.

“You don’t want to see that, I promise. I’ll leave the fashion and the drag to you.” Remus replied, flushed and flustered.

“The balls aren’t just about fashion,” Lily tried. “They’re about living your most authentic life, being who you truly are and discovering yourself. There’s vogue categories you could try.”

Remus’ brows furrowed, “Vogue…?”

“You’re telling me you’ve never heard of vogue? Are you kidding?” Sirius shouted with offence. As Remus shook his head, Sirius shot up out of his seat and threw his hands up in the air. “You’ve got much to learn, darling.”

He made space for himself in the centre of the room, which was difficult considering the mess of tables and chairs, and framed his face with his hands, “James, would you turn the radio on for me. I have a job to do.”

The first notes of Whitney Houston’s ‘I Wanna Dance With Somebody’ sounded throughout the apartment as Sirius, with a model’s pout on his face, demonstrated a vogue perfectly. His arms and legs moved sharp and precise, while his hair flipped side to side. Lily laughed as he worked for the attention he so wanted and so deserved. At some point he grabbed Remus’ hands, earning much protest, and pulled him up to dance with him.

Remus looked adorably awkward as his hands, still controlled by Sirius, moved and framed his face. Though clueless, he lit up with a smile. This is what Lily loved most.

She cleared her throat and leaned out of Remus and Sirius’ earshot, “Hey James.”

“Hey.”

She cleared her throat again, this time more for her nerves than anything, “You know how I said I’d think about it. The date.”

James was worried but enthusiastic, “If I was out of line just tell me, I promise you don’t have to feel like you have to say yes. I’m sorry if I made you feel a little uncomfortable-”

“James,” She interrupted.

“Yeah?”

“I was gonna say yes. I want to go on a date with you.”

She could barely hear his reaction over the splitting shout of success that came from his mouth and the bruising hug that met her. She liked the smile that she could feel on her cheek, and the melodious laugh that fell from his soft lips. She was home in his arms. She was happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter includes a scene where Sirius experiences homophobia in public, outdated language and transphobia.
> 
> here are some resources based on the events of this chapter for education/action :)
> 
> Petition for more protections for black trans women  
> <https://www.change.org/p/boris-johnson-more-protection-for-black-trans-women-uk>
> 
> History of Voguing  
> <https://mixmag.net/feature/a-brief-history-of-voguing>
> 
> Trevor Project on trans issues  
> <https://www.thetrevorproject.org/trvr_support_center/trans-gender-identity/>


	3. Play the Game

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter 3, and we finally get to see things from sirius' perspective. there are content warnings and resources in the end notes!
> 
> feel free to come say hi on tumblr @/siriuslyblack12 :)

_When you’re feeling down and your resistance is low_

_Light another cigarette and let yourself go._

_This is your life, don’t play hard to get._

_It’s a free world_

_All you have to do is fall in love, play the game,_

_Everybody play the game of love._

**Sirius**

“And the category is: female figure runway model! I want to see femme queens, drag queens, all kind of women and I want to see beautiful.”

The reverb from the mic rang through the entire room as James shouted loud over the commotion of the ball. Sirius stood straighter, shoulders wide and chin gracefully lifted, as he took a deep breath and balanced himself. He ran the back of his palm over his dress to smooth it out, a crimson red piece with a slit that ran right up to his thigh and show-cased his slender legs, and silently smiled to himself as he caught a glimpse of it in his reflection. He wore a tall, blonde wig that framed his face with a dash of femininity. Over the past few weeks, he’d had some of the happiest nights spending time with a certain someone. The balls were a chance to be in his own element and impress Remus at the same time.

He spotted him in the crowd, sat talking animatedly with his hands on a table with Lily, Dorcas and her girlfriend Marlene, though it didn’t look like Remus could see him. Sirius took the opportunity to just watch him: the way his eyes glittered and his chest huffed a laugh. He was kind too, easy to talk to, laid-back and surprisingly funny. He was perfect.

Not that Sirius had a crush on him or anything.

“Okay, it’s a little quiet tonight, I see how it is. Come on, don’t be afraid,” James called out to the room. Only a few queens had stepped forward, their dresses never coming close to Sirius’.

The emcee shrieked suddenly, “Cardaroc Dearborn, you’re giving me life! Yes, this is what I want to see!”

Sirius looked over to investigate, meeting a queen in a tight, blue pantsuit and designer sunglasses. “She’s giving us CEO, she’s giving us boss bitch supermodel, I love it, I love it.”

“Dramatic,” Sirius muttered to himself.

“Judges, your scores: 10, 10, 8, 9. Shady bitch, ok, there’s a little bit of room there for another queen to come in and take this prize.” James leaned over a little to whisper something to a judge, to which there was a sharp laugh in response.

Another queen stepped forward, this time in a holographic crop top that didn’t quite fit her and a long, unmatching skirt. Sirius grimaced. She seemed confident enough though, Sirius recognised her as Emmeline from the House of Slytherin, as the batter her eyelashes and stomped down the centre of the room. There wasn’t rowdy cheering as there had been for Cardaroc, though she seemed quite unbothered and in her own world.

James fell silent, gesturing for the music to be turned off, “Miss Emmeline, what do you think you’re doing?”

“Walking the category, what does it look like I’m doing?” She replied with narrowed eyes.

“In that outfit? I don’t think. This is runway model, not ‘I was up all-night drinking and now I have a killer hangover’.”

She looked up at him with flared eyes and a set jaw, “Just let the judges give me my scores.”

James tilted his head slightly, looking her up and down once again. Sirius almost felt sorry for her, but he supposed that was just what the balls were. Yes, they were a chance to find yourself and your family, but they relied on judgement and money. James spoke, “Do you really want your scores? Looking like that?”

“Fuck you, James!” She shouted amidst the rare yet deafening silence. “Just let me get my scores, I ain’t never done anything to hurt you!”

“Alright, alright,” James laughed nonchalantly. “Judges, your scores: 4, 5, 5, 3. Better luck next time, bitch.”

She lunged at him, her sisters trying to hold her back, “Fuck you! Fuck all of you!”

“Could the next queen please step forward, I want this one out of here.” James mumbled tiredly. Sirius watched as she was dragged by her forearms by two of her sisters out of the back door. The crowded room, then quiet and confused, now resumed its liveliness as if nothing had even happened.

Sirius took another breath before stepping forward into the blinding lights. People parted for him, his presence overcoming them as he walked, one heeled foot in front of the other placing his life out on a platter for the panel. He flipped his wig over his shoulder, a hand on his padded hips, his makeup heavy and experimental, his brows raised to accentuate his near-unrecognisable facial features. The panel gave out soft gasps and sounds of adoration and Sirius flashed a smile.

“I can always rely on you, love. Sirius from the House of Gryffindor, breath-taking as always. I’m obsessed!” James fawned and fanned himself exaggeratedly. “Take notes, children, this is how you do runway model! This is what we’re taking about!”

Sirius turned, giving the judges a full view of the gown, before turning right back and nearing the raised platform of James and the judges. They shouted over one another, bringing their own fans to Sirius as if to beg for something of his attention.

James continued, rapping over the beat of the music, “It’s fashion, it’s beauty, it’s grace. You better werk! Judges, your scores please.” Sirius, though confident, found himself holding his breath for just a moment. “10, 10, 10,” Sirius’ face lit up with steady anticipation, “9.”

“9? What do you mean 9?” He shouted, face rapidly falling.

The last judge simply shrugged. Sirius felt a fire flare up within him but unlike poor Emmeline he couldn’t find it in him to act on it. James too questioned it, as did some others in the crowd, but it went unnoticed. He gave his best smile as the show continued.

James was shaken up for the second time that night and announced, “I guess there’s still a little bit of room for another one of you bitches to steal this prize but oh…”

He paused suddenly, looking out into the crowd. Sirius followed his eyes, landing on a figure moving gracefully towards the runway. It killed Sirius to admit even that – but he’d have to be stupid not to praise the person, a woman as he now recognised, dressed all out in a glamorous tulle gown with a face he could only wish for. She reminded him of some sort of princess ripped straight out of fairy tales old and new, moving with the same elegance and sophistication and carrying herself with the same weight. The face, that he finally caught a glimpse of, was that of Andromeda.

Andromeda Black. House of Slytherin. His biological cousin and sworn rival.

“Fairy-princess-magical realness!” James called out, desperately trying to remain unbiased. “We may have underestimated her in the past, but she has come back with a vengeance and I am living for it! Come on, give us a twirl.”

Andromeda spun in place, her gown flowing and following as she did. She truly was stunning, which pained Sirius to admit.

James laughed, “That’s it, Miss Andromeda Slytherin! Judges, your scores please.”

Sirius almost couldn’t bear to listen, already knowing exactly what would happen, though somehow still find himself surprised as James shouted, “10, 10, 10, 10s across the board! Grand prize goes to you Andromeda.”

Sirius watched as she bowed her head in thanks, but he was baffled by the lack of a smile on her face. It was like to her it was only a business deal, some sort of arrangement to make everyone happy but herself, somewhere she only was out of obligation. He’d heard stories of the House of Slytherin but had always remained blissfully unaware of the reality until now where there was an urge within him to find out.

He swallowed a bit of his pride, a tough thing for him, and held out his hand to her, “Congratulations on your prize, you deserve it girl.”

She said nothing, disappearing before Sirius could so much as protest her emotionless face. He watched as she walked over to the rest of her house, depositing her trophy onto their table and leaving without another word, and no one followed her out. He was dumbfounded as he walked back over to his own table met by the sympathetic hugs and smiles of the House of Gryffindor.

“If its any consolation, you totally deserved to win,” Remus said as he sat down. He’d been coming out of his shell a lot more recently, which brought Sirius nothing but joy. “That last judge on the right is biased as hell.”

Dorcas gave him a hug of her own, “What Remus is too nice to say is that that was bullshit!”

“Yeah, that too,” Remus smiled sweetly.

“Hi Sirius,” Marlene said from Dorcas’ side. He’d always enjoyed her company, even more so as he knew how happy she made Dorcas, and her bright eyes and braided hair gave him a sense of familiarity. He remembered when they used to make brunch together on Sunday’s and dance to whatever new disco songs were on the radio before she and Marlene had gotten their own place almost a year into their relationship. “You look stunning.”

“You do too, my love. How’s everything going with you? Your new apartment?” Sirius leaned forward to kiss her on the cheek in greeting.

She looked over at her girlfriend with love in her eyes, “Everything’s great, the place just starting to feel like home. We miss it at Lily’s, but it’s nice having our own space, you know?”

“You’re such a mature adult,” Sirius teased. “I could never.”

Sirius had accepted long ago that a life of domesticity was never made for him. Even thinking about the future sometimes made him feel a little queasy, like it was too unrealistic and sickly sweet to wrap his head around. Dorcas and Marlene shared so much love, you could see it a mile away, and so much ignorance to the harshness of the world.

Marlene rolled her eyes, “Talk to her about being mature. She’s been taking up too many extra shifts at the hospital, no matter how much I say she works hard enough.”

“I love you too,” Dorcas tilted her head back sweetly for a kiss.

Sirius sighed to himself as he watched them. He would never find home in another person.

..

The hospital lights were bright and intrusive over his head. He squinted his eyes harshly, all too aware of the clinical walls and shining floor that should have felt comforting but was more like a mockery. Uncomfortable and stiff, the chair was somehow less inviting than his chair back at the apartment, which crumbled under the slightest bit of pressure. Dorcas sat in front of him – Doctor Meadowes as he had to call her here – worrying him as her face contorted in concentration looking over her clipboard of notes. She was kind, so unbelievably kind, but unfortunately her position didn’t leave much room for a friendly chat.

He rubbed at the tiredness in his eyes. After the ball the night before he’d stayed awake drinking and joking around with Remus, teetering on the edge of platonic, only taking off his dress far into the morning. That probably wasn’t the wisest considering the check-up he was now unprepared for, but he reasoned with himself that in his state he had to take whatever life he could get.

Dorcas put her pen down and looked Sirius in the eyes with a saddened expression, “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”

“I’d rather go home and not have to worry about getting any news at all, if that’s an option,” he muttered irritably.

“I’m afraid it’s not,” She tried to smile, but her mouth couldn’t quite form it. “Good news or bad news?”

“Bad news. Get it over and done with.”

She stood and walked as she spoke, trying to get rid of excess nerves, then spoke with as much professionalism as she could muster, “HIV infects white blood cells called t-cells which as you know weakens the body’s defences. The normal range is somewhere between 500 and 1500, and diagnosis for AIDS happens when it drops below 200. Yours aren’t quite there yet, but they’re rapidly decreasing.”

Sirius lowered his head, taking it in. He was thankful for his lack of medical knowledge in times like this, fearing it would just make it feel much worse.

“There’s still hope,” Dorcas tried. “If we can get you on the right medication with a healthy diet and exercise regime, we should see them start to increase again.”

“And what’s the good news?”

She put her clipboard down again, sitting in front of him, “You still aren’t showing severe physical symptoms like a cough or a fever, which at this stage is a really good sign. I think if we carry on as we are, with some added adjustments, we’ll fight this.”

Sirius sighed, controlling his anger, “There is no fighting this, you and I both know that.”

“I want you to make it through this, and I will do everything in my power to make sure you do. It’s up to you to put the rest of the work in.” She smiled small yet genuine this time.

“There’s no cure for HIV.” He insisted plainly. “When I was given my diagnosis, I was given a death sentence like thousands of other people before me.”

She shook her head, “It doesn’t have to be like that.”

“Why can’t you just accept that I’m going to die? I have!” His voice wavered as its volume raised.

“Because I don’t want to watch my friend wither away. There’s hope for this, everyday people are trying to find something that works: a cure, a treatment, anything. Everyday scientists are getting closer, too.” She said. “There’s this new medication, AZT, have you heard of it?”

He ringed his hands of their anxious sweat. He used to admire Dorcas’ relentless determination but now, with his life on the line, it was becoming tireless. He’d accepted it, or at least he thought he had, so why couldn’t she?

He spoke again, “I don’t have the money for that.”

“Then it’s on me,” She said. “There’s a programme that lets the people who can afford it donate it after they… after they pass away.”

“So even if I’m taking this drug I can still die? What the fuck is it for?” Sirius questioned brashly.

Dorcas tried to calm him, but he wouldn’t pay attention, “There’s no guarantee of anything, but if there’s even a slight chance it can make you a little better for a while, I think you should be willing to take it.”

“Why? I’m going to die, Dorcas!”

“You think I don’t know that?” She shouted suddenly, leaving him taken aback. She hardly ever raised her voice, nor lost her patience, which scared Sirius. Her face was reddening, her eyes hard, “You think I haven’t had to watch tens, hundreds, of my patients die from this? HIV is killing us off, one by one, and that fucking golden plated government isn’t gonna do shit!

“That’s why I do what I do, because every time I diagnose someone with AIDS I watch their life flash before their eyes. I see their dreams crushed and their eyes lose the life in them and I watch them wither away. And if the outside world refuses to see it, fuck them. We’re taking matters into our own hands, getting through this together, as quickly and painlessly as we can. I don’t know what I’d do with myself if you died, Sirius. I won’t let that happen.”

Silence filled the room. Dorcas sat back down into her chair, fingers splayed on her white coat and mouth turned downwards. Sirius stood awkward and unsure of what to do with himself as tears threatened to spill at any moment from his eyes. At some point they met hers as they shared a moment of mutual understanding, before he resigned himself back to isolation.

He sat himself down, “Even if I was to take AZT, which I’m not saying I am,” he warned. “What about the side effects? I’ve heard some horror stories.”

“Like I said, a healthy diet and exercise is about as much as we can control right now,” She said simply. “Remember to take all of your vitamins and hope for the best.”

“Hope for the best? Not fucking likely.”

She sighed again. As much as he tried to be positive for other people, a guiding and optimistic light, this was real life – his life. Dorcas had told him that pessimism was a normal reaction to something like this, but she’d also told him when he went in for that first test that she thought he’d be clear, so what could Sirius truly believe.

He looked up at her, “I’ll take them.”

“What?”

“I’ll take the damn drugs. I’ll get better,” He promised hopelessly. Dorcas didn’t seem to notice as she bounded over to wrap him in a tight and bruising hug, which he only reciprocated after a while. He felt himself sob silently, though no tears came out.

She held him like a sister and a true friend, “You will get better. I promise you.”

Promises never quite worked out with him, but with his emotions high he agreed with a nod of his head. He watched as she milled about her office for a while, producing an orange bottle of pills and depositing it in Sirius’ hand. He smiled, more to reassure her than anything for himself, before pocketing them.

“Take them twice a day with some water, and make sure you book your check up on time next month.” She reminded him. “It wouldn’t kill you to cut back on the cigarettes either.”

He grimaced, “At this point I don’t know what’ll kill me, love.”

“Just do it, come straight to me if there’s any issues, ok?”

He gave her another small hug and turned to leave and get on with his day. As he closed the door behind him, he looked back for just a second, not quite sure what he was expecting to see but expecting something nonetheless. His heart was heavy in his chest and mind blurry in his head. He’d never enjoyed hospital visits, even before his monthly check-ups, he always thought the building was intimidating and unpleasant to begin with. That’s not even thinking about the people within it.

On his way out he passed by a room he hated that he recognised off by heart, checking in it to make sure everything was ok. A man lay in a bed in the centre with blankets pulled all the way up so only a tuft of fluffy hair stood out of the top. He looked peaceful, but Sirius knew he was paler than the last time he’d visited, with a rash that spread wider over his arms forehead. Silently, he walked over to the bed, straightened out the sheets to make him more comfortable and sat down by the bedside.

The man shifted, waking slowly, and turned to him, “Sirius? Is that you?”

“Yeah, Fabian, I’m right here,” He breathed. “How’re you doing?”

Fabian tried to laugh but it descended into a rough cough. Sirius placed a hand on the back of his head and he smiled through the pain, “Does that answer your question?”

Sirius couldn’t grasp how the man in front of him still managed to smile and laugh – as best as he could in his weakened state – through his illness. Before everything had gone to shit, before HIV and AIDS and rapidly decreasing immune systems, Fabian had always had good spirits. Sirius wondered if he’d retain his too.

He studied his thin frame, “Have you eaten today?”

“A little bit,” He answered with a rasping voice. “Mostly been asleep. Are you taking care of yourself?”

Sirius sat back on his chair with a baffled half-smile, “You’re asking me if I’m taking care of myself?”

“I know what you’re like. Stubborn as hell,” Fabian mused.

“You can go back to sleep now,” the other man laughed. “Yes, I’m doing fine. I’m not dead yet.”

Fabian made a sad face at that, which didn’t last long as he dissolved into another fit of coughs. Sirius got up from where he sat to look for some water, hand still warm on the back of his head, and offered him some with a shaking hand. Internally, he thought it was ridiculous that he was still so tentative and nervous when it came to giving Fabian the proper care he deserved.

Once he’d calmed down – after at least a few minutes of painfully deep coughs – Sirius helped him settle back down into bed. They smiled at each other sadly. That undertone of death and misery that was always present in their lives but only truly came through in the worst of times.

Fabian’s speech was a little muffled in the pillow, “What about the balls? No one killed each other yet?”

Sirius sat back down too, letting go of his head in favour of taking his hand, “Not quite yet. I’m a little worried about Emmeline, she’s been throwing fits at James for any kind of criticism, although I agree that sometimes he doesn’t know when to hold his tongue. Andromeda beat me last night.”

Fabian nodded for him to continue, so he did, “I’m a little worried about her too if I’m honest. You don’t want to hear about that though, do you?”

“Carry on, carry on,” Fabian insisted. “I miss being there, seeing everyone, it’s boring in here.”

“Do you want to watch the TV for a bit?” Sirius asked politely, already halfway across the room to the remote. He was about to press the power button, but the man on the bed gestured for him to put it down. Complying, he came back to sit on the edge of the bed and move some of the spare blankets.

Fabian seemed lightly amused, “Stop fussing over me, I told you not to do that. I just want company.”

Sirius was about to protest, something like “I don’t fuss over people, I’m tough and cool and mysterious,” but was interrupted by Dorcas stepping through the door and into the room holding a box between her hands. As he got a closer look, he realised it was some expensive chocolate brand, which she placed on the table beside the bed before taking off her white coat and sitting on the arm of Sirius’ chair.

“Marlene told me to give you these. She couldn’t make it today, but she should be round at some point on the weekend. How are you feeling?” She implored gently. Her face seemed to be back to its usual brown complexion rather than the red of anger, and her voice was once again calm and measured. She shared a silent look of thanks with Sirius.

Fabian investigated the box, turning it over in his hands, “I may be a gay man, and Marlene is most definitely a lesbian, but I might have to steal your woman, Meadowes.”

Sirius laughed, “She’d be lucky to have you.”

“What? You jealous?” Fabian teased. “I thought you’d gotten over me months ago, lover-boy.”

“Oh trust me, he has,” Dorcas chimed in cheekily from where she was sat. “Ask him about Remus.”

Sirius felt himself a blush form all over his face and neck. This was not the conversation he wanted to have in a hospital room with his dying old friend and virus of his own to deal with, but apparently his wishes didn’t matter. Dorcas smiled over at him as he flipped her off. He hadn’t intended to even tell Fabian about the new member of their house, at least not yet, while things were unspoken and only said from a distance. Fabian asked who Remus was, to which Sirius could only groan.

“He’s this guy that Lily met and took under her wing. We’re friends, that’s all.” He insisted, looking anywhere but at the man on the bed.

She-who-shall-not-be-named, or Dorcas as she was usually named, rolled her eyes, “It certainly doesn’t look like you’re just friends.”

Sirius narrowed his eyes at her but softened his gaze a little as Fabian turned to look at him, “Tell me about him.”

“I already told you, we’re just friends!”

Both Fabian and Dorcas looked at him knowingly, expecting him to continue. Sirius wished the floor would open up and absorb him, but unfortunately for him, he stayed sat right where he was. “He’s nice… he’s funny and good to talk to and sweet. What else do you want me to say? We’re just getting to know each other.”

“Have you kissed yet?” Fabian asked innocently.

Sirius shook his head, “It’s been great talking to you, I have to go now,”

“No, no,” Fabian protested weakly and apologetically. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I just- if you do like him, don’t wait around and do nothing. He seems nice, and I’m sure he likes you too, you can be awfully charming. Just go for it.”

“It’s annoying when I know you’re right.” He sighed in frustration. Fabian laughed, his smile wide and young despite his flaking face and weakening condition. These visits put his life into perspective, the little time he had and the many things he had to do it. He didn’t deserve this, neither of them did, but they had to make the most of the life and opportunities given to them. Fabian told him that when he didn’t want to hear it.

Dorcas offered him a ride on her work break, but Sirius declined in favour of taking a long stroll to sort through his complicated thoughts. As he walked home, Lily’s apartment had started to feel more like home than anything the longer he stayed there, a few things crossed his mind but nothing stayed quite like Remus. Remus’ bright eyes and soft hair and shining lips – not that he paid attention to that – and Dorcas’ words. They were good friends by now, sure, and he’d have to be stupid to mess up a relationship like theirs. He didn’t actually have a crush on him, did he? He wasn’t head over heels in love?

Or maybe he was.

..

Sirius lounged on the sofa for the rest of the day, Remus coming back to the apartment after a morning walk to find him lying in a pair of low-rise jeans, a crop top, a pack of cigarettes and a half full bottle of liquor in his hand. He gave his best dazzling smile as Remus bounded over to him and took the bottle right out of his hand, earning a shout in protest. Remus didn’t even smile back, just looked down in him with what Sirius guessed was supposed to be disgust but came across more like pity with the kind wrinkles of his eyes.

“Day drinking doesn’t suit you,” Remus said like a mother talking to her child, a little kinder than that connotation though.

Sirius smiled again, “I’m beautiful, everything suits me.”

Remus didn’t respond, so Sirius poked him with his foot. This didn’t startle Remus, rather just made him move slightly closer and gesture for Sirius to sit up. Dazed and slightly tipsy, he was tugged up until he was far too close to Remus’ face for comfort – though in a way it was even more comforting.

“You shouldn’t smoke those things either, they’re bad for you,” Remus said, gesturing to the cigarette in his hand.

“I’m gonna die anyway.” Sirius replied painfully monotone.

Remus tilted his head as he spoke kindly, “What’s up with you today? Why are you being like this?”

“Lily and James usually let me wallow in peace, if you wouldn’t mind,” He said, moving only a few inches away from the other man but already missing the warmth. He’d left the hospital with inspiration to make more of himself, but that had quickly and evidently faded. “I got some bad news, it’s nothing really.”

“Tell me. You’ll feel better.”

“I really don’t think I will,” Sirius insisted with slurred words. Remus studied him for a few moments before the man continued, “You have pretty eyes.”

A blush formed on Remus’ cheeks in stark contrast to the shake of his head, “You’re drunk.”

“Not that drunk,” Sirius insisted.

Remus sat back on his heels, the two of them watching each other carefully with no desire to elaborate. Sirius shuffled around until he could sit up, properly facing the dark-skinned boy in front of him, leaving his liquor on the floor below him. He raised his cigarette to his mouth, blowing the smoke out right into Remus’ face to loud protest, “Your eyes are like storm clouds, grey with little freckles of honey in them. They’re pretty.”

“Are you serious?”

“I’m always Sirius.”

“I should have seen that coming, shouldn’t I?” Remus said with a palm to his face, rolling his eyes.

Sirius could only smile as bright as the shining sun outside of their window, contemplating for a second, before saying, “Do you think I’m pretty?”

Remus snorted, “Yeah, sure Sirius, you’re pretty.”

The man in question wore an expression of mild offence, “Be serious.”

“Be _Sirius_ , you mean?”

The grin on Remus’ face was worth a million dollars. The flecks in his eyes that Sirius had mentioned lit up with excitement at a cheap joke turning back in his favour, the sparks light like stars in the night sky. Sirius rolled his eyes to mimic the other boy earlier, “Come on, it’s just a question. Do you think I’m pretty?”

Remus narrowed his eyes with suspicion, “What is this really about?”

“It’s not about anything, I just want to know,” Sirius defended lightly. “Why do I always have to have some kind of ulterior motive?”

Remus didn’t seem to believe him, but spoke anyway, “Yes, I think you’re pretty – you’re gorgeous actually.”

Then it was Sirius’ turn to blush, the red spreading all over his body with butterflies erupting in his stomach. He looked down at his hands, tipsy from the alcohol but sober enough to feel the weight of the reality of the situation. Smiling to himself shyly, he looked back over at Remus.

“You’re just saying that to make me feel better,” He denied.

“The guy begs me to answer his question, and when I do, he denies it,” Remus laughed. Sirius watched as he tucked his hair behind his ear, “I’m not lying. You’re very good-looking, surely people have told you that before.”

They had. But no one as important as to him as Remus had ever said such thing. He’d never met someone as important to him as Remus – maybe Fabian and some other flings at some point but those had soon ended. Sirius would do anything just to hear the melodious laugh from Remus’ throat.

The man in front of him continued talking, brining Sirius out of his thoughts, “You’re pretty awesome, actually. Has anyone ever told you that?”

“No one that mattered,” Sirius repeated honestly, fingers splayed on his knees.

“And I do matter?”

Sirius couldn’t bring himself to form a response. There were words stuck in the back of his throat that he just couldn’t quite form, whispers and promises and confessions threatening to spill. At any moment the dam would break, the glass would shatter, the fragile pieces of his heart flying across the floor of the apartment. Their faces were inches apart. Sirius could see nothing but the expanse of Remus’ honey-flecked eyes, ones that he’d only imagined the beauty of until that moment, and he couldn’t hold himself back much longer.

And they were kissing.

At first, Sirius’ mind didn’t register it. The feeling of Remus’ soft lips against his own, the hand that came up to run through his hair, the smile he could feel forming on the mouth against his own. He brought his own hands up to cup Remus’ face gently; he suddenly realised he didn’t really know what he was doing. Bliss, pure bliss, erupted in his mind like fireworks as they fit together like two pieces of the perfect puzzle. He thought that was cliché, the whole thing was entirely cliché, but he couldn’t help it. Wedding bells played in his mind before he could internally scold himself.

Before he knew it, they were breaking apart and Remus’ grin was the first thing that he saw as he opened his eyes again. That was a sight he could get used to. “Hi.”

“Hi.”

Sirius’ hand was still on Remus’ face, “That was… pretty good.”

“Pretty good?” Remus asked with another laugh. “I know I don’t have much experience with that, but was I really only pretty good?”

He laughed again, and Sirius followed, and they dissolved into their own happiness. Relief washed over Sirius as he realised that Remus too was overcome with it, letting down his walls and relaxing into the arms of his friend. Friend… how long would that last? Where did they stand?

Sirius leaned forward and placed another lingering kiss to Remus’ lips, and a few short pecks after that. And another few, and another, he knew he was already addicted to the sweet taste. He smiled, “I’ve wanted to do that for a while.”

Remus blushed, despite the kiss now on his jaw, “How long?

“Pretty much since I met you, that night at the ball. Then even more when you looked at me the other night,” He admitted with a lack of his usual bursting confidence.

“Me too,” Remus said. As soon as the words fell from his mouth, he couldn’t say much more as he was met with a bruising hug. A kiss to the cheek, and a hug. “Why now?”

Sirius pondered that question for a moment. Maybe it was the forgotten bottle of alcohol in his hand, and his tipsy mind, or maybe it was the knowledge that his life was fragile and delicate. Maybe, it was Fabian, the man he’d once loved more than himself, and the look on his once brave face as he battled the greatest challenge a human can. HIV, persecution, discrimination, Sirius couldn’t wait for his idyllic life to happen on its own. He had to take charge.

“I… had a rough day. And old friend of mine reminded me of what’s important,” He explained lightly.

Remus didn’t respond, just urged him to explain further. “I’m positive for HIV, you should probably know that.”

“…Oh,”

That could have a million possible meanings but coming from Remus’ mouth Sirius only had optimism. “I’m ok though, it’s just something I have to live with. My ex-boyfriend Fabian isn’t so lucky. He’s dying, there’s no cure.”

Remus’ eyes turned sad and dark, his hands clutching at Sirius’ with the greatest sympathy. Sirius heard him swallow nervously, “I’m so sorry.”

“No, no,” Sirius waved him off. “You have nothing to be sorry for. It’s unfortunate, yeah, but it is what it is. You would’ve liked Fabian before… before all of this.”

Remus nodded, a small and bittersweet phantom smile, “Yeah, yeah. I’m sure I would have.”

“Not so much the ‘boyfriend’ part,” He tried to joke, to which Remus laughed slightly. “But we were broken up way before he got sick.”

“What happened?” Remus enquired. His smile was so kind, so warm and loving.

“We were on good terms, still are, we just didn’t really work. Much better as friends,” He decided to answer.

Smiling, his thumbs brushing over Sirius’ knuckles, he spoke, “That’s good.”

“I’m sorry for this,” Sirius added honestly. “We were having a romantic moment and…”

“No,” Remus interrupted. “You are not apologising for this. I’m happy you could tell me that, I’m happy this happened.”

Sirius studied his face, not able to help studying the differences between him and Fabian. Fabian was harsh lines where Remus was soft; he was boisterous where Remus was carefully spoken and reserved; he clashed with Sirius where Remus fit perfectly. Sure, he’d enjoyed it at the time, but looking back all he saw with Fabian were his regrets.

Sirius looked up through his lashes, “Can I kiss you again?”

“Please do.”

And they did. Right into the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter discusses HIV, AIDS and death with (what i hope is) the right amount of sensitivity and depth it deserves. queer history cannot be talked about without talking about the HIV/AIDS epidemic, as it was a time in which queer culture as we know it today was shaped and allowed to flourish, influenced by the most talented and amazing trans people and people of colour. this time also shouldn't be glorified, considering heterosexual society's general attitude towards the community - that is to say the discrimination they faced. the US government, including president reagan, saw the majority gay male and poor victims of HIV and knowingly allowed it to go on for far too long, taking far too many lives. what happened in the 70s, 80s, and 90s cannot be allowed to be repeated, under any circumstances.
> 
> here are some resources for education/action based on the events of this chapter
> 
> NHS HIV/AIDS information overview  
> <https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/hiv-and-aids/>
> 
> How to get tested for HIV  
> <https://www.cdc.gov/hiv/basics/hiv-testing/test-types.html>
> 
> The AIDS Crisis, a history  
> <https://yourqueerstory.com/the-aids-crisis/>

**Author's Note:**

> this chapter features a character getting outed and kicked out for being gay, homophobic insults used towards him, homelessness and a brief discussion about transphobia. it's important to have these discussions as to not glorify these time periods.
> 
> here are some resources for education/action based on the events of this chapter :)
> 
>   
> UK Petition to ban anti-homeless architecture:  
>  <https://petition.parliament.uk/petitions/548998>
> 
> The Trevor Project on youth homelessness
> 
> <https://www.thetrevorproject.org/get-involved/trevor-advocacy/homelessness/>
> 
> AKT- LGBTQ+ Charity
> 
> <https://www.akt.org.uk/>


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